


places we won't walk

by vmnesie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Heartbreak, M/M, This Is Sad, hyunjin struggles to get over felix, idk who hurt me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26815873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vmnesie/pseuds/vmnesie
Summary: hyunjin hated winter. because it always reminded him of the greatest yet worst thing to ever happen to him. love.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Hyunlix - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	places we won't walk

**Author's Note:**

> i truly have no idea what to think about this au,,,,, it was inspired by places we won't walk by bruno major.  
> sorry if there's any mistakes.

hyunjin hated winter.

it was already midnight when hyunjin finally arrived at the park. he was at a party earlier, but when his thoughts started to be omnipresent, and the air was too thick to breathe, he felt like he could go for a walk. and so he did.

he walked, not knowing where it would lead him. but his legs seemed to be a step ahead of him when he found himself at the entrance of the park. he takes a look and sees no one. with the beat of his music dying in his earphone, he decides to go sit down on one of the benches.

another song starts and it’s really sad. and he hates it. he hates how much he feels and how it has a hold on him. he sometimes wishes he could just push a reset button and forget everything he ever lived. it would just be simpler.

simpler to not feel. to not be _that_ scattered. why does he always feel so fucked up? where did he go wrong? he’s so sure he’s loving and doing the right thing, but then it always ends up with him being hurt. so _hurt_. why can’t he get it right? why is life so complicated? he closes his eyes a bit more harder than he needs to, as if it would chase the memories away from his mind. but it’s all he sees. _he’s_ all hyunjin sees.

he immediately reopens them, and he’s still in the park. except now, the sun is up. _oh no_. he wants to run away but instead, he slowly turns his head to the bench next to his. and he sees himself. younger. and happy. it’s been a while since he last smiled like that. the mere thought of it made him want to cry.

he follows his own eyes and where they focus. _of course._ he knew it already, and he doesn’t know why he even bothered to guess. felix. he’s remembering the first time he met him. it makes his heart sink.

x

it was a sunny day when he decided to go for a walk, taking kkami with him. he sat at this park, where he used to go mostly everyday, at the time. the bench, the playground, the persons were the same. except one. he has _never_ seen a face like that. he would’ve _known_ if he ever saw a face like that. he knew he was staring for too long when he saw the stranger smile at him, and hyunjin’s first reflex was to look away, embarrassed. but then, he looks again where the stranger was two minutes ago, seeing no one. he tries to look around subtly but- “looking for me?”, the voice behind him scares the hell out of him. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to startle you.” hyunjin turns around and sees the stranger he was looking at just before, and he blushes, not because he’s embarrassed (and he truly is), but because he never laid his eyes on someone as pretty as the boy standing there. hyunjin struggles to find words and to proceed what’s happening when the stranger talks again. “my name’s felix, what’s yours?”

“hyunjin”, he mutters, staring at his feet when felix comes to sit down next to him. _he hates himself so much_. why can’t he function correctly. why can’t he look at him. he hears felix chuckles, and now he’s even more uncomfortable. he’s pretty sure he’s mocking him.

“you’re cute”

hyunjin quickly lifts his head up, thinking he heard wrong. “what did you just say?”

“i said you’re cute”, felix insists, looking him directly in his eyes and hyunjin can’t believe someone can be so straightforward.

“are we being filmed?” he says, looking around.

“what? no”, felix replies in disbelief, but as soon as he notices how anxious hyunjin is, he knows he shouldn’t be taking it so casually. “of course not. i came to you because i thought you were cute. well, you still are. even more up close”

hyunjin dares to look back in felix’s eyes and he sees how honest the boy is. just that helps him to calm down a bit. “thank you”, he whispers the next part “but you’re way more cute than i am”. his mouth kept going without his brain following, and his eyes widen when he realizes what he just said. felix laughs a bit before thanking him back.

hyunjin looks at him then looks at the park again. he doesn’t know what to say, but kinda wants it to keep going. he wished he wasn’t socially awkward and knew what to do in those type of moments. he sees felix standing up and he already thinks the boy had enough of him. why can’t he-

“can i have your number? i got to go right now, i didn’t see the time pass by.... but i want to see you again”, he says with a smile.

hyunjin can’t believe it. he _wants_ to see him again. hyunjin smiles shyly before giving his number. “okay, i’ll send you a text then”, he smiles, “see you soon”. he leaves before hyunjin can even reply back. he still doesn’t even know what just happened.

x

hyunjin laughs at the awkwardness of their first meeting. he still doesn’t know why felix wanted to go further with someone like him. when he first met him, he was really shy and barely talked to people that weren’t his close friends. felix wasn’t like that. he’d rather talk to everyone, and get to know every people he met along the way. that’s one thing hyunjin always admired in him. _among plenty of other things_. he shakes his head. but then his mind is onto the next memory. their first date. he lays back on the bench and bends his head so that he could see the stars.

x

felix had texted him. even though he asked for his number, hyunjin still thought he was kidding him. but when they talked for three weeks straight, about the things they liked or disliked, about their friends and families, hyunjin started to want to see him again. except, he’s never been on a date. how could he even know if felix wanted this back? if he wanted it, he would’ve already ask, no? or maybe, _just maybe_ ,he was trying not to freak hyunjin out because he already noticed he was anxious about this? hyunjin beams at the thought of felix being considerate of his feelings. and so, he decides to ask felix on a date.

and he accepts. gladly.

they meet at the park once again around 9p.m and they walk down the river near it. they buy something to eat from a food truck on their way, and keep walking and talking. felix was easy to be around, and hyunjin relaxes soon enough. felix is amazed by the passion in hyunjin’s eyes when he talks about something he likes, even though he won’t say it aloud. he doesn’t want to scare hyunjin. _he doesn’t want to make him run away._

 _(“who would’ve thought you’d be the one who’d run away”,_ an intrusive thought finds his way through hyunjin’s mind and his eyes become watery. he doesn’t need to cry. he needs to remember how good it felt to be by felix’s side. he needs it, even though he knows it won’t happen again.)

the date goes well, and it’s almost 11p.m when they arrive near felix's car, from which he takes a blanket. hyunjin looks at him questioningly, but felix just takes his hand and lead the way. hyunjin’s mouth goes dry, but follows him nonetheless. they stop at the top of a hill, and felix lets go of hyunjin’s hand to unfold the blanket, and hyunjin suddenly feels _cold_ and he hates himself for already being so attached to felix. like he wouldn’t be able to breathe if he’d left. (and he does. it’s so damn _hard_ to breathe without him).

they looked at the stars for three hours, telling each other small anecdotes about their childhood and their life. hyunjin learned that felix was born in australia, that he has two sisters with whom he was really close, and that he was studying musicology at college. he also knew that felix loved to watch the stars and link them together to make them have a certain shape, and that he was afraid of being alone. he knew he was short-tempered but that he wouldn’t hold a grudge for long. he noticed the different way he would laugh, and the way his mouth would curl when hyunjin would say something bad about himself. he noticed the freckles on his cheeks and how he would rather invent forms with them instead of the stars. how they were stars in their own unique way.

hyunjin must have been staring for too long, _again_ , when felix just locks his eyes with his, and grins.

“you’re so pretty”, they both say at the same time. hyunjin shakes his head, and lays it down on felix’s arm while the other boy just laughs. suddenly, hyunjin feels felix’s hands on his cheeks, making him look up at him, and his blood boils when he realizes how close they are right now. he looks down on felix lips, and he can’t hold it anymore, he presses his lips softly against felix’s.

x

now, he can’t even remember how it felt. even though he kissed him a thousand times. like it will never be enough. it would never be enough. it never _was_ enough.

he always thought he would remember it, and if he wouldn’t, felix would be there to remind him. but _he’s not_. and that hurts like hell. but what hurts the most is how is hyunjin supposed to live without him? how is he supposed to go on when he’s known felix for so long he’s memorized him in every cells of hyunjin’s body.

when hyunjin thinks about him and realises he sometimes doesn’t remember something about felix in exact details, it makes his heart break even harder. he was supposed to know felix like the back of his hand, wasn’t he? he was supposed to know what made him sad, what tortured him when he couldn’t sleep, what his pouty face would mean. he was supposed to notice the light in his eye, and to memorise the way his mouth would spread into a smile after he kissed him on his forehead, or the way his eyes would darken if he started to tease him.

it was hyunjin’s role. _if he couldn’t do that, what was he supposed to do_?

felix has been in his mind now for five years. ever since he first met him. hyunjin never thought love could hurt like that. he doesn’t want to wake up one more morning without having felix by his side. he doesn’t want to go to bed tonight without kissing him goodnight. but he will. he has to. and he hates it the most.

is felix okay? is he happy? or is he feeling low like hyunjin is right now. hyunjin’s tears are now all over the place and he just lets them go. he’s tired of always bottling up his feelings. and maybe felix was tired of that too. he still doesn’t understand how it could end like that. it happened so suddenly. or was it planned and he missed out on it for such a long time that felix had to run away from him overnight?

x

it had been almost four years since they have started to date. after two years, they decided to move in together. they did everything together but still knew when to give each other time and space for themselves. and hyunjin was so grateful to find someone that would always try to understand him, no matter how messy his mind was. and felix was grateful for hyunjin being this patient with him. they would have a routine and instead of it freaking them out, it would reassure them. hyunjin knew he had forever with felix. or at least, he thought. he couldn’t wait to grow old with him, to see him succeed in life and be there for him every step of the way.

but when he woke up this winter morning and that felix was nowhere in sight, he just did what he had to, not noticing the note on the kitchen table. they had a fight last night, but as always, hyunjin knew it will be fixed when they’ll talk about it once they’ve both calmed down. it wasn’t something that important, or so hyunjin thought. they always had little fights, it was rare for them to be upset against each other for a long time. the will to make it work bigger than the will to stop everything.

but when hyunjin didn’t receive a message till noon, he began to worry. of course, he had sent messages to felix, but both were left on read. when he got back home, felix still wasn’t here, and something felt wrong. _so_ wrong. he would call for his name, but there would be no response. he would look around the house just to find the note felix left.

“i don’t know what i want anymore, i’m sorry. i think it would be better for us to have a break from each other and to talk about it later, when i’ll feel ready and know what i want. i’m so sorry.

felix.”

hyunjin’s heart stops beating and he doesn’t know if it will function ever again. _to this day, hyunjin still doesn’t have the answer._ he’s felt _so_ empty ever since.

he knew better than to call him. if felix needed time then that’s what he would give him. even if it hurts like hell, because he’s so scared of losing him. what would he do without him? he doesn’t want to imagine it.

a week after reading the note, felix still hasn’t given any sign of life and hyunjin is so _so_ sad, it feels like air has been taken away from him. he wonders if this is what it’ll feel like to live without felix. if he’s going to feel this way forever. as soon as he wakes up, felix is in his mind. everything reminds him of him. he doesn't know how to stop his thoughts. and somehow, he _still_ doesn't know how. 

then, another week later, felix comes back home. but he has changed. somehow, he already feels like a stranger. hyunjin doesn’t know how to react, and looks at him for a long time, not sure if he should make a move. he’s afraid he’ll run away again.

“hi”, felix says, and his voice sounds so foreign, hyunjin wonders if it was always that way. “hi”, he breathes out, not realising he’s been holding his breathe.

they sit on the couch, and felix is so far away from him, it feels like he’s already drifting away from hyunjin and it makes his stomach drop.

“are you okay? you feel so different”, hyunjin says out of the blue when he sees that felix isn’t going to start the discussion. felix’s face stays the same, unaffected by what hyunjin just said.

“i’m okay, don’t worry about me” and all hyunjin can think about is how could he not worry about him? he’s so in love with- “i think we should stop it.”, once again hyunjin feels his heart stops in his chest and he struggles to find air. felix frowns when he sees the sudden change in hyunjin composure, and he would be lying if he was saying it wasn’t affecting him. “i am so sorry i’m hurting you right now. but i’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks now. i do love you and i don’t want you to think you’ve done anything wrong. i’m so thankful i have you in my life... but i think this... what we have is too much. we’re only 22 and we live like an old married couple. i’m not saying i regret everything we’ve built together for the last few years, i’m just saying i need to see other things..”

hyunjin’s mind goes blank. just like when he first talked to felix. some things do never change, he laughs to himself bitterly. he has so many things he wants to say yet no words are coming out. he’s been thinking about it for weeks? what they have is too much? he needs to see other things? hyunjin can’t stop the tears from falling down and he sobs painfully while looking at felix. the other boy stares at him, sadly, and he wants to hug him and tell him it’s going to be alright, but it’s not and they both know that.

felix waits for hyunjin to say something but he doesn’t. he simply tells felix to take his stuff and to leave because he can’t deal with him right now, and he knows he’s going to blow up, and even after everything felix has said, hyunjin doesn’t want to hurt him. _so how could it be okay for him to do that to me?_

once felix leaves, hyunjin just feels so empty and he doesn’t know what to do. he doesn’t want to go to bed, because it’s theirs and there’s no point in going there if he won’t see felix in one of t-shirt, getting ready to sleep by his side. he doesn't want to stay on the couch because it's there that the person he loved the most in the world told him it was over between them. he's so lost. felix just slipped through his fingers, but it already feels like it's been years and hyunjin still _doesn't_ know how he is going to fix this. to fix himself. 

x

a year later, on the bench of the park where they first met five years ago, hyunjinis crying. during this year, he talked to felix multiple times, whether it was sober discussions or drunk calls, felix always responded. hyunjin couldn’t even hate him. felix made sure he was doing good if hyunjin called. _even though he didn’t care about him anymore_ , hyunjin thought. he didn’t know if felix was seeing someone else. he didn’t know if he had moved on. but he’d rather not know cause it’s obvious he didn’t and it still feels like it was yesterday that the boy left him. he spent months and months trying to figure out what he did wrong, even though felix told him not to, because he did nothing wrong. felix just wasn’t in love anymore. and hyunjin can’t understand how it all vanished like that. he used to be so happy when they were together but now, he doesn’t even know felix anymore.

some nights the anger would strike in, and he would be so mad felix ever started to talk to him. things would have been so different. hyunjin would be happy. he wouldn’t be crushed by his over depressing thoughts every time he’s alone. he wouldn’t think about _felix_ every time he’s alone. he finds it funny yet twisted how this name used to make him feel butterflies but now it just makes him want to cry. and he does.

it’s now 3 in the morning and hyunjin can’t believe he’s spent another night bawling his eyes out at the thought of felix and by replaying their story in his head once again. he knows he should move on, _just like felix did_ , but it’s so hard for him. he doesn’t understand how they ended up like that. if he could, he’d do anything in his power to take everything back and do it all over again. 

this time around, he’d be the one who would go talk to him. he’d be the one who would ask for his number and he’d still be the one to ask him on a date. he’d make sure felix would feel loved, without stifling him. he’d be the one to make him smile. he’d be the one to ask about his day. he’d be the one felix would hug. he’d be _anything_ felix would want him to be.

they could do it all over again. he could pretend he never learned by heart how his freckles are placed on his face. he could pretend he doesn’t know how his eyes wrinkled when he smiled. he could pretend to fall in love with him for the first time again. if felix loved him back, he would do _anything._

but felix doesn’t love him anymore. and hyunjin won’t get to see his freckles, his smile, his eyes, his pouty face nor his mood swings. he won’t hear his name pronounced by his voice, and _hell,_ why can’t hyunjin remember clearly what it sounds like.

and suddenly, it hits him. hyunjin won’t see felix ever again. and they won’t talk anymore. he won’t get to hold his hand one more time. felix will never know hyunjin still loves him, and he does, so much it’s not even beautiful, it’s just torture. he cries silently for a few minutes before trying to calm his sobs.

when he can finally see clearer, he decides he won’t come here anymore. he doesn’t see the point. he feels like he’s about to cry again when he stands up from the bench and walks back to the entrance of the park, determined to leave this behind him for the last time. he has to move on. he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to feel better, if he’ll be able to love again. he just knows he needs to stop thinking of felix. he doesn’t think he could ever do that though, but he _has to_.

he looks back one more time at the park, and he swears he can see himself, five years younger, smiling at him from the bench he was sitting on. hyunjin sincerely smiles back, for the first time in a long time, and it feels good. he feels good. like he could finally breathe again. he doesn’t know if something changed in the air but he feels like winters will be more bearable from now on. even in places _we_ won't walk.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it, feel free to give me some feedback!  
> twt: vmneskz


End file.
